Saturday, July 19, 2008

Peeking Out of the Closet

Just a peek. With a friend.

Yup. I came out to a friend, today. Gods! I can't believe how understanding and supportive she was. She just let me talk myself out.

I honestly thought she might freak out or at least... you know... pull back a bit. But she didn't flinch at all. We started out having breakfast together, just talking about the usual B.S., and I just felt this overwhelming need to tell her.

I told her I wanted to talk about some personal stuff and asked if she'd go with me to the park. I think she thought at first that I was going to like... ask her out or something, but she went anyway.

We sat at a picnic table near the edge of the pond and all of the sudden, I was tongue tied. I just kept hem-hawing around until finally she just told me to spill it. So I did.

"I'm bi. I think", I said.

Like I said... to her credit, she didn't even flinch. She just said that she didn't think there was much to "think" about. If I thought it, I most probably was.

I wish it were that simple... I told her that I didn't mean that I might be bi because I might not be hetero, but I had always thought of myself as bi but recently, I've been wondering if I might not be covering up and hiding from my true identity. That I might not be bi... because...I might be gay.

She leaned forward and sort of half smiled, propping her chin on her hands. "That's really kind of... erotic... you know?", she said.

Erotic?! Ok, that's not exactly the response I expected. Although it's better than what I had feared. Then she asked me why I took so long to tell her. Which was a reasonable question, but I was unprepared for what she followed it up with.

"I mean, it's not like I didn't already know."


Yeah. Pretty much speechless. If she knew... then...

Oh, crap.

Then she laughed at me... or rather the idiotic expression that must have been on my face. She told me not to worry, that nobody else knew, although a couple of our friends suspected. She said that when I wasn't around and that kind of speculation came up she kind of ran interference for me. Talking up my latest escapades with other women, etc. All in strictest confidentiality, of course!

She told me that when just she and I were talking together, I would let my guard slip a little bit and my gestures, body language and speech patterns were quite a bit different than when other people were around.

Damn. And I thought I had better control over that kind of stuff. She told me that even though I wasn't exactly "flaming", I was substantially more feminine around her but she never said anything about it because she thought that I'd bring it up to her in my own time. But that she never thought it would take so long.

And here I thought I was rushing it a bit. Who knew?

Then she wanted to know details. Did I mention she's the next best thing to a voyeuristic nymphomaniac?

Anyway, I told her little bits and pieces...time enough, yet, to tell her my whole story...

I just wish that everyone who is going through this whole self discovery thing had a friend like mine. I also wish I had more friends like her...

Thanks, Tanji!

1 comment:

Queers United said...

voyeuristic nympho - that has to be the best thing i heard today!

i am glad your friend was so supportive, i like you am on a similar journey.