Peeking Out of the Closet

Just a peek. With a friend.

Yup. I came out to a friend, today. Gods! I can't believe how understanding and supportive she was. She just let me talk myself out.

I honestly thought she might freak out or at least... you know... pull back a bit. But she didn't flinch at all. We started out having breakfast together, just talking about the usual B.S., and I just felt this overwhelming need to tell her.

I told her I wanted to talk about some personal stuff and asked if she'd go with me to the park. I think she thought at first that I was going to like... ask her out or something, but she went anyway.

We sat at a picnic table near the edge of the pond and all of the sudden, I was tongue tied. I just kept hem-hawing around until finally she just told me to spill it. So I did.

"I'm bi. I think", I said.

Like I said... to her credit, she didn't even flinch. She just said that she didn't think there was much to "think" about. If I thought it, I most probably was.

I wish it were that simple... I told her that I didn't mean that I might be bi because I might not be hetero, but I had always thought of myself as bi but recently, I've been wondering if I might not be covering up and hiding from my true identity. That I might not be bi... because...I might be gay.

She leaned forward and sort of half smiled, propping her chin on her hands. "That's really kind of... erotic... you know?", she said.

Erotic?! Ok, that's not exactly the response I expected. Although it's better than what I had feared. Then she asked me why I took so long to tell her. Which was a reasonable question, but I was unprepared for what she followed it up with.

"I mean, it's not like I didn't already know."

What...?

Yeah. Pretty much speechless. If she knew... then...

Oh, crap.

Then she laughed at me... or rather the idiotic expression that must have been on my face. She told me not to worry, that nobody else knew, although a couple of our friends suspected. She said that when I wasn't around and that kind of speculation came up she kind of ran interference for me. Talking up my latest escapades with other women, etc. All in strictest confidentiality, of course!

She told me that when just she and I were talking together, I would let my guard slip a little bit and my gestures, body language and speech patterns were quite a bit different than when other people were around.

Damn. And I thought I had better control over that kind of stuff. She told me that even though I wasn't exactly "flaming", I was substantially more feminine around her but she never said anything about it because she thought that I'd bring it up to her in my own time. But that she never thought it would take so long.

And here I thought I was rushing it a bit. Who knew?

Then she wanted to know details. Did I mention she's the next best thing to a voyeuristic nymphomaniac?

Anyway, I told her little bits and pieces...time enough, yet, to tell her my whole story...

I just wish that everyone who is going through this whole self discovery thing had a friend like mine. I also wish I had more friends like her...

Thanks, Tanji!

A walk through the mall

I love the mall.

There is such a diverse group of people there... old, young, male, female, black, white, red, yellow and brown.

*sigh*

'tis like a buffet...

Sorry... slightly distracted...

Anyway, the last couple of times I was there, I noticed a thirty-something, somewhat effeminate man there. The time before today, I was with a friend. Even though we work closely together and hang out after work, she still doesn't know my "dark little secret".

I know that she'd understand, but I just haven't worked up the courage to tell her. I've tried, but every time I do, my throat just freezes up and no sound comes out...

Anyway, I went back to the mall today in hopes of running into him again. Being the chicken that I am, I took some advice that I found online somewhere the other day. I bought a rainbow keychain and clipped it to my beltloop, and stuck the colored rings into the top of my pocket.

After I ate lunch, (Love Sbarro...) I headed straight for the bookstore. My heart just leapt into my throat when I saw him. I guess my being a little...um...needy lately gave me a bit of courage. I slipped the keychain out of my pocket and let it dangle out from underneath my Led Zeppelin shirt, then started to hang out in the same aisle as him, pretending to look at books.

In reality, I was using the hell out of my peripheral vision to watch him. Eventually, he looked over at me. I knew he saw my little "sign", when he did a slight double take. I almost froze, but reached down, slipped the ring back into my pocket, then turned and began to walk away. When I did, I gave an ever-so-slight glance back.

My heart was trying to beat it's way out of my chest and my mouth was as dry as cotton. I made my way down the mall to Macy's and headed towards the restroom. Macy's is nice because they have two doors leading into the men's room. And the first one squeaks. Nice alarm system. I went in and walked, weak kneed, to the last urinal. Moments later, he walked in and took up residence beside me. He actually said "Nice day, eh?" I thought...well, in for a penny, in for a pound and replied "It is now".

OMG... how cliche can you get??

Well, I looked down, and saw that he was every bit as aroused as I was. Well, it's been a very, very long time and the next thing I knew, I was squatted down in front of him doing what I've been dreaming about for...well quite some time. I heard him moan, then he began to throb, then...the warmth.

Wow. Took like... two minutes. I would have kept at it all day, but I guess I was just very eager. And, man! Can he kiss! Never been with a guy that liked kissing that much... So when he said "thanks" I knew he really meant it... Unfortunately, we heard the outer door open. I ducked into a stall and he headed up to wash his hands and left before I could even broach the possibility of getting together again.

Oh, well... at least I know where he hangs out.

The bookstore!

And you thought I was going make a play on words and say the restroom...

Silly one...

;-D

My name was Anarchuus

About a thousand years ago, when I was addicted to Everquest, I played (among other things) a Dark Elf Shadowknight named Anarchuus.

He was actually one of the first characters I created. We had a guild called The Heart of Darkness. It was actually a hand me down guild. What happened is what usually happens. A guild is created, is built up to modest proportions then the creator either splits from the guild because he/she doesn't like what it turned into or simply moves on in their life and leaves the game for a shot at real life.

That's what happened to The Heart of Darkness. It was a true, role playing guild. Everyone in character, all the time. Well... in game, at any rate. The original guild perpetrated some true evil that spilled over into other's game playing experience. Violated the rules, in fact... but the guild defended their position by saying that it was simply good role playing and since they were role playing an evil race, they were justified in doing anything that the game mechanics allowed.

Well, eventually, as most things do, people turned over... quit... moved on... whatever. The original guildmaster gave the guild to a real life friend who proceeded to get some more like minded friends together to join in order to keep the guild from being disbanded completely. Then they re-vamped the guild into something totally new. Keeping the name, The Heart of Darkness, the turned it into a guild of light. One that exemplified the spirit of cooperation, fair place, kindness and generosity. What made it unique what the fact that it was still a guild exclusively for Dark Elves, but only those who had been twisted to good!

We maintained our dedication to role playing, posing as an evil guild so as not to be "found out" by the Dark Elf NPC's. Hey! It was role playing!

So, here we walked, all over the land, secretly (as possible) recruiting members of a like mind to our cause... anonymously helping others... creating an environment in game and on our website that fostered a sense of family... of belonging. A race that was generally despised going around helping others and doing good.

Hmm... this is beginning to sound familiar.

For those of you who are out, how often have you gone to the mall, the movies, Wal-Mart... or wherever and had people whisper and point. Sometimes even confront you physically. Just because you don't conform to their "ideal"?

For those of you, like me, who are not out... how uncomfortable is it to be in the company of people who are making very derogatory remarks about someone just because they're not "straight"? Even more so when you are with people who you thought were very tolerant. Who you were actually thinking about coming out to... only to be in their midst with those very words on your lips when one or more of them drop the "F" bomb. No, not the four letter one... the other "F" bomb.

Your limbs go cold and your very breath is caught by what must be a baseball stuck in your throat. All you can think about through the haze of pure panic is that you can't possibly let on that you have any sympathy for the object of their scorn and hatred lest you be next.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... personal experience, ok? It's happened more than once and is really why I'm still so secretive. Because the sympathetic are far outnumbered by the narrow minded haters. Especially here in small town America.

So here we are... in our own Everquest world... again, one not of our own making. Trying to survive walking among those who, if they knew, would attack at a moment's notice... maybe not physically... but there are many other ways to hurt someone.

We seek out those of our own unique kind... or even those who, although they may not share our ways, are understanding and compassionate. Those who would follow the Wiccan rede, even if they aren't. "An it harm none, do as ye will".

If I take a woman behind closed doors and make love to her, nary a word would be said, other than perhaps some good natured ribbing. But should I take another man behind closed doors and make love to him, then a whole lot of people would never look at me the same again. I would find myself with fewer friends... difficulty at work... my invitations to our annual family reunions would somehow get "lost" in the mail... and my car... Man. I know it's only a Hyundai, but it's all I got...

I don't know about anyone else, but I think that if I could, I'd leave this life behind and move somewhere where things aren't so bad. I mean, I know there are haters everywhere, but certainly there must be communities somewhere in this big wide world where we would be not just tolerated, but free and accepted. (No, I'm not a mason...)

I'd love to live in a society where if I had feelings for someone, even if it's just plain, unadulterated lust, I could express it... not bottle it up inside and fantasize later, when I'm by myself, about how the encounter could have been. Where's my towel...

I kid! Well... sort of... I'm really too big of a chicken to put myself out there to be noticed or to approach someone else. What if I mis-read them? What if that "look" meant nothing? If only there was some discreet way to passively let someone know your interests... I mean, the hanky codes are so... out of date. I doubt that there are even that many people around that are even aware that they even exist...

Anyway... that's it for now... off to moping...

One day, at my computer...

Once upon a mid-day, dreary, while I blogged; bored and teary...

Ok, so I'm actually too lazy to adapt the whole poem. Besides, this is only my "Hello world" post. ;-)

As you can probably see for yourself by just looking the my main page, I have an interest in the I Ching and I'm bi. And anonymous blogging is about as close to being 'out' as I'm going to get.

Living in small town America isn't real conducive to expressing one's sexuality when said sexuality um...deviates from the 'social norm'. Now, personally, I believe that the so called 'social norm' is changing. Has been for a long time, now. It's just that the Moral Majority (which is neither) is simply so vocal that it's just easier for some of us to keep our mouths shut and fly under the radar.

I mean, seriously... I've seen people that I KNOW fool around with their same gender ridicule and persecute other LGBT folks. Now, I honestly understand that people don't want anything even remotely 'non-hetero' in their face. Or within ten miles of their face. I feel the same way about religion. Get. It. Out. Of. My. Face.

The difference is that I'm not about to persecute someone for their religious beliefs any more than I would someone for their sexual orientation. It would be so nice to live in a community... or even an entire society where people wouldn't even look twice at two men or two women holding hands in the mall or cuddling up in the movies.

Wow. What freedom that would be! Can you even imagine? Those that try to stake out the 'moral high ground' would have us believe that if non-hetero activity is not reigned in, then our entire society will degenerate into wild, lawless debauchery. Um... actually, I think that if ALL people could freely express themselves without fear of ridicule and persecution, you would find all manner of people not only experimenting with their sexuality, but actually finding themselves. If we could only be honest with ourselves... Admit that we might have feelings for someone in particular that just happens to be of the same gender without feeling the pressure of society telling us that those feeling are 'unnatural' and are just wrong...Wrong...WRONG!!!

Oppression is what's wrong, people. You know it... I know it...

So... if you're on this side of the fence, then Hi! How are ya? Nice to see you! Nice hair, by the way...

And if you are on the other side of the fence... before you deride us for the feelings we were born with, imagine what it would be like to be called a degenerate. A deviant. Downright evil. Just because your attraction is for the opposite gender. So, if you really don't want to be near Lesbians, Gays, Bi's and/or Transgendered folks... Just. Walk. Away.

And please: Keep your derogatory comments to yourself. Seriously. Please. We have feelings too.